What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I “lub” you.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Gold riddance.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Yule be sorry.
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