Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
In on the ground flora.
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