How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
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