Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
Love at frost sight!
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
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