What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
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