I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
That’s a bit mulch.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
"You can't beat me."
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
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