How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
It’s party thyme.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
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