How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
You’re my lucky charm.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
You’re my soul Santa.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Make it rein.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
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