There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
"Back that glass up."
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I sulfur when you argon.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
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