What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Sleigh, what?!
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
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