Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
"Time to wine down."
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
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