Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Call me on the shellphone.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
"Some people have no guts."
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
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