Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
"You round me out." — High Card Band
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I loaf you.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
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