There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I scored when I met you.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Pugs and kisses.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
It’s a beautiful Degas!
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
We’re calling your number.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
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