What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
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