The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
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