My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Call me on the shellphone.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
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