It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
"Here for the right riesling."
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
I only have ice for you.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
You're the ruler of my heart.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
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