What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
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