The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
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