Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
You snow the drill.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
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