Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
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