An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Don’t moss around.
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