What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
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