What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Rebel without a Claus.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
"Eggs-cuse me."
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Let’s take an elfie.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
You snooze. You booze.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
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