"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
"What an egg-citing day."
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
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