Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Don’t moss around.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
You sleigh me.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
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