What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
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