What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
You're my purr-son.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
French people give me the crepes.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
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