My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Only a**holes use bidets.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
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