What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
You snow the drill.
Water you doing, my friend?
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
I pitcher us together forever.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
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