What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
It takes one to snow one.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
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