A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
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