What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
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