Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
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