My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
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