For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Go to BabaMail
