For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
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