The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
They say everything gets better with age.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You are aged to perfection.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
More candles means a bigger wish!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.