Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.