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The Bizarre Purchase

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." "Oh. Well, they must be for your sister then?" says the cashier without thinking. "Nope, not for my sister either." says the boy. The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" "They're for my four-year-old little brother." says the kid calmly. The cashier is surprised: "Your little brother?? WHY?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can do lots of stuff like swim, run real fast or ride a bike - and my little brother can't do any of those things."

Blond Jokes

Toilet Paper Puns

Two Sides of the Story

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Little Miss Intrusive Asks Mom Too Many Questions

A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.." "Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!" The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play. "My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32." The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother was past surprised. She was shocked. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!" "Really?" the mother asked. "Why?" "Because you got an F in s*x."

Rich Fathers

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."

The Lost Thesaurus

A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time. He searches all over his house for it. He’s double-checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Daughter: "I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on." So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Son: "Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it." So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated. He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in but there's just their horse standing there.The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself. "I don't suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?" Horse: "Nope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!"

The Alarming Wives

Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls. After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that. Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, voicing there concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!" "I hear you" replies second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"

Flower Puns

Easter Puns

Horse Puns

Milk Puns

Pig Puns

Little Johnny Describes His Future

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks. "I wanna be Johnny's wife!" Says Susie.

Zombie Puns

Quotes

Two Women Have a Drunken Night Out

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"

Never Throw Items Out a Plane

There’s a Mexican, an American and a Russian man on a plane. The Mexican says, "I hate my country!" And throws a tin of soup out the window. The American says, "I hate my country!" and throws a pie out the window. The Russian says, "I hate my country!" And throws a bomb out the window. The plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying and asks him "what's wrong kid?" The kid says, "a tin of soup fell on my mom's head and now she’s dead." "I didn't do that!" says the Mexican. The American sees another kid crying and asks her "what's wrong kid?" The kid says, "my mom was driving, and a pie fell on her windshield and she drove off a cliff as she couldn't see!" "I didn't do that!" says the American. Then the Russian gets off the plane and sees a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says, "what's so funny?" The kid says, "Daddy just farted and the house went BOOM!"

How Mommy and Daddy Met

A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?" "Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand... Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story!"

Fishing Puns

Computer Puns

The Florist's Mix-Up

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: “Congratulations on your new location!”

We're Saved!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing." "Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"

Mother Puns

What's Got You Down Pal?

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”

Canadian Pick Up Lines

Monkey Puns

The Awkward Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. "Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her: The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The Sick Mother-In-Law

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"

Italy Puns

Language Pick Up Lines

Three Prosperous Sons Return Home to Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" "David," she said, "you were the only one who sent me a good gift, that chicken was delicious!"

The Blind Shopkeeper

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50." She paid the bill…

A Snail On a Mission

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said: “Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?” The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little paw on the table and muttered: “Why me? Why can’t the wolf do it?” But the snail bravely interrupted the conversation, before it got out of hand: “Guys, guys! There’s no reason to fight. I’ll go.” The bear smiled a little and handed the snail a few, rolled-up dollars from his pockets: “Thanks, man. I appreciate it. While you’re at it, buy something to drink, will ya?” The snail winked, grabbed the money and briskly started to make his way out the door. Half an hour went by... An hour... An hour and a half... Almost two hours... At last, the bear snapped, dropped his cards to the floor and yelled: “Hey, you know what? I think the little bastard took the money and just left!” A small yet fierce scream then came from near the door: “If you’re gonna start insulting me, I’m not leaving at all!”

Little Johnny's Mother

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

The New School

An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "Then what was it??" "Well, on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

Bible Puns

The Monthly Charge

Some time ago, a man had two sons. As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away. Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: "Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!" He wasn't sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was... well, Blake, but he had no one else to call. Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all. A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. "Listen," he says. "I don't want to make accusations or nothin', but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report." "Of course not!" said Blake, insulted. "I would never steal from you, you know that!" "Yea, I do." Said Jackson, "But how do you explain these?" "Oh," said Blake, "I bet those are for dad's tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!"

Ice Cream Puns

A Very Cheeky Question

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"

It's a Miracle!

A mother and her teen daughter arrive at the doctor's office. The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 3 months would be my guess.” The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?” Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?” The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time! "

The Cartwheels

A teen came to her mom and said "mom! I've got 10 dollars" Her mom said "Where from?" "Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied "Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!" "oohh" the girl says The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 20 dollars!" "I told you not to trust that boy!" "No mom I tricked him, I didn't even wear panties today!"

Bear Puns

The Art of Discretion

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse. During an especially high-stake game, a member of the group, Ron, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table from a heart attack. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up. Abraham looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards, and Saul "wins" the dubious honor. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me." Saul goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Ron's wife answers the door. "Yes? What do you want, Saul? And where's my good-for-nothing husband?" She asks. Saul gulps. "Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," He says, "and is afraid to come home." "WHAT?!?" Screams the wife in disbelief. "Tell him to drop dead!" "Can do!"

Classic Pick Up Lines

Soccer Puns

Soup Puns

Prison Puns

The Family Secret

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

Cheese Puns

Worm Puns

Why is Daddy Special?

A father, mother and child went out to spend time on the beach on a hot summer's day, but as soon as they reached the beach they discovered that there was a black flag there, a sign not to enter the water. The boy really wanted to get in the water, but his mother did not agree and they stayed on the beach to rest in the sun and play in the sand. After a few minutes, the father got bored and turned to his wife: "Keep an eye on the boy, I'm going into the water, there's no way the sea is really that dangerous." After a few minutes the boy asked "Mom, why did you let dad get in the water and not me?" "Because you and father are two different people and there are things he can do and you can't." answered the mother. "Is it because dad knows how to swim really well?" continued the boy. "Not really" answered the mother. "Is it because dad is big and strong?" "No." "Then why is daddy allowed to enter the water and I'm not?" the boy complained. "Because daddy has life insurance."

Name Pick Up Lines

Learning to Cuss

The kids learn to cuss . . . A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know", he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Crocodile Puns

The Lie-Sniffing Robot

A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him. DAD: Son where were you today during school hours? SON: "At school." Robot slaps son. "Ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!" DAD: "Which one?" SON: Harry Potter Robot slaps son again. "Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?" DAD: "What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed!" Robot slaps Dad. MOM: "Hahaha! He's your son, after all!" Robot slaps mother.

Puns

Can You Say Daddy?

Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

Wine Puns

The Rules of the Marriage

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Family Puns

When Grandma Comes Over

Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour. When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might. "What is it, Eric??" She asks. "Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!" "Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny. "When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.' So now that you're here, we have all we need!"

Pickle Puns

Little Johnny Buys a Horse

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

The First Jewish President

The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?" Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Her mom flushes with pride and says: "Her brother is a doctor."

Mexican Pick Up Lines

You Can Tell It's Sunday

Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment. He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Enlglysh is a Pane

Hear eye sit inn English class; the likelihood is that eye won't pass An F on my report card wood bee worse than swallowing glass It's knot that eye haven't studied, often till late at knight Butt the rules are sew confusing, eye simply can't get them write Hour teacher says, "Heed my advice, ewe must study and sacrifice" Butt if mouses are mice and louses are lice, how come blouses aren't blice The confusion really abounds when adding esses two nouns Gooses are geese, butt mooses aren't meese; somebody scent in the clowns Two ultimatums are ultimata, and a couple of datum are data Sew wouldn't ewe expect it wood bee correct fore a bunch of plums to be plata? And if more than won octopus are octopi, and the plural of ox is oxen Shouldn't a couple of busses bee bussi and a pare of foxes bee foxen? Let's talk about spelling a wile, specifically letters witch are silent Words like "psychologist" and "wreck" shirley make awl of us violent And another example quite plane witch is really hard two explain If it's eye before e except after sea, then what about feign and reign? The final exam will determine how eye due, weather eye pass ore fail I halve prepared as much as eye can down two the last detail I'm ready two give it my vary best inn just a little wile And then isle take a relaxing wrest on a tropical aisle. (By Alan Balter)

Football Puns

Good Morning Quotes

Goat Puns

Romantic Pick Up Lines

Toxic Pick Up Lines

The Honest Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge!" "I see, good to know." said his client. Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer "But I did send them." said his client. "What?? You did?" asked the shocked lawyer. "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said his lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Which One Do You Save?

A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo. Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?" The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you." The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?" Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"

Funny Work Quotes

The Thumping Noise

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

One Liners and Short Jokes

How Much Does He Charge?

A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

Travel Quotes

The State of the Modern Church

What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond: PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: Amen!

The Balloon Family

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon. Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself. The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."

Blonde Jokes

Flamingo Puns

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.” The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.” Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

The Old Switcheroo...

George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

Funny Family Quotes

This Weight Machine Predicts the Future

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime, and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you." After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged. Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime. Feeling like Naomi Campbell closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: "You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."

Peach Puns

Shark Puns

Little Johnny and the Science Question

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one material, what would it be? One girl said, "I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette." One boy said, "I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher said, "Little Johnny, What would you want?" Johnny said, "I would want silicone." "Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher "Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”

Valentines Day Puns

Silenced In An Instant

A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver. He begins to speak: "If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed. He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?” In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.” The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!

Science Puns

An Animal Game of Poker

In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"

The Daughter's Confession

Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation. Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee. They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous. "What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. "You know you can tell me anything." Mandy manages a sickly smile. "Well, you may judge me for this.. and PLEASE don't tell dad!" "What IS IT?" Her mother demands. "Do you know the neighbor, Jeremy, who I study with?" "Yes..." says her mother cautiously. "And you know his dad, Ronald?" "Ah ha..." her mother looks more concerned every second. "I think I'm in love with him!" Mandy blurts it out. Her mother is shocked. "I won't allow it!" "Mom, you can't tell me who to love!" "He could be your father!" shouts Nina. "I don't care about the age difference!" the daughter shoots back. Her mother sighs. "I think you misunderstood me."

Funny Break Up Lines

How to Get Regular Visits

A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren. "I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!" The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!" "You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly. The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours." "So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised. "No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."

The Postcard

A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted. Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

The Boy and His 7 Wives

This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...." Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep." After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!" Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!" "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?" "Let them sleep with daddy!" Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"

A Range of Tests

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead." The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?" The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform." "YES! I have to be absolutely certain." The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!" In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!" In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!" Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room. "Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?" A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all." The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard. "I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out." The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk. The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000." "32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor." The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

The Magic Scales

A nun was flying to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again! Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

Typical Day at the Farm

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!". The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

My Dog Ran Out of Petrol

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block. Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat.” “What does that mean?”, asks the girl. “Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?” says the busy mother. So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.”. The father takes a rag, pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Now you can take her for a walk”, he says. “Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine”. So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu. Concerned, her dad asked “Where’s Lulu, sweetie?” “She ran out of gas halfway around the block," the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home.”

Dear Mom and Dad

A college student sends a letter to his folks back home Dear Mom and Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$! Love, Your $on - - - - - - - Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Mom and Dad

Let Him Without Sin...

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let him who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus sighs and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

One Liners for Kids

A Camel and His Mom Have a Discussion

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

Joey Had An Interesting Day At Sunday School

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"