A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime, and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you." After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged. Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime. Feeling like a supermodel closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: "You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."

A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller and asks him what his future would look like if he became an artist. To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large pipe, takes a hit, then looks into her crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother." So the businessman asks him about his second choice, carpentry. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball, and says "better, but still not good." Finally, the businessman asks him how his life would go if he became an accountant. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball and says "best choice so far, but don't you have larger hopes than that?" The businessman says "thank you madam, how much do I owe you?" The fortune teller replies, "You asked three questions, so that will be three thousand dollars." "Three thousand dollars!" the businessman exclaims, "but I was only here for a few minutes!" The fortune teller points to her pipe and says "this stuff's not cheap, but to be honest I do keep most of it. You're a businessman, you understand." When the businessman gets home, he sees his wife and he says "honey, I'm going into the fortune-telling business." "Why's that?" she asks. He replies, "the high prophet margin!"

How do different professionals measure the volume of a ball? Mathematician: Measures the dimensions of the ball and calculates the volume. Engineer: Looks up the volume in the ball catalog. Physicist: Submerges the ball in a beaker of water and measures the displacement. Statistician: Compiles thousands of guesses about the volume without a single answer being correct. Lawyer: Explains to you why it is legally someone else's job to calculate the volume. Politician: Tells you every statistic about the ball, from every angle, his opinions on the ball, and his opponents' opinions, but still won't answer the question you actually asked. Banker: Prefers to invest in other people's guesses about the volume and charge a commission on the profits. Psychologist: Sits with the ball for an hour and tries to get it to talk about itself and its volume. Mechanic: Doesn't care about the volume, but asks when was the last time you replaced its timing belt. Economist: Explains that the volume depends on supply, demand, and global market conditions, and predicts that it will likely change in the future. Tech Guy: Develops an app to measure ball volume, which crashes the first time you try to launch it. Doctor: Asks if the ball is experiencing any pain, orders some lab tests, and will get back to you with an answer in two weeks.

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” “The one with the big boobs”.

Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."  He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."  Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.  "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"  "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.  "I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.  "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.  "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!  "When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.  "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.  "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.  "Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..  "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.  "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.  "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."  Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?".  "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." 

New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep: Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. on the small screen and buy a bigger one. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials. Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the money. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while the money is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in the c*apper."

At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Next, I tried working in a deli, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. So after that I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom. The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy. They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!" The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword." The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!" King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!" The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!" "Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks. "I wanna be Johnny's wife!" Says Susie.