A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime, and went over to the machine to insert the coin.
Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you."
After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged.
Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime.
Feeling like Naomi Campbell closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in.
Again, a little card popped out that said:
"You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."
Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.
"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"
But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot.
The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question.
"Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?"
"Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments."
A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So, what's the wi-fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...But how do I just simply make a phone call?
Software development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus..
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus.
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of $5,000 and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
"Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?"
"Well, it knows Windows 7 and windows 10, and also knows Word, C++, .net, app programming, and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games."
"Wow good monkey, it's worth the money."
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of $10,000 and again he will ask the merchant.
"What does this monkey know?"
"It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad."
"Wow, even I don't know those things."
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price $20,000.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
"And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?"
"ITp be honest, I've never seen her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager."
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
Murphy's Laws of Computing:
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."