Lottery Jokes

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep: Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. on the small screen and buy a bigger one. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials. Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​” — Homer Simpson
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
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