Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!