My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
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