How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
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