Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What does a house wear?
Address.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
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