The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What does a house wear?
Address.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
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