My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
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