Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
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