Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
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