What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
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