My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
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