My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
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