The Regular

Jokes about prostitutes, hookers, escorts, working girls and sex workers.

The Regular
The Regular The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance. Hope you enjoy it."
Taking the Wife to the Strip Club
Taking the Wife to the Strip Club John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, John! How ya doin?" Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he'd been to this club before. "Oh no," said John. "He's one of the security guys I meet on my business trips." When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he'd like his usual and brought over a Budweiser. His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.” A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turned around and said, "Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time."
Your Guilt Won't Change the Past
Your Guilt Won't Change the Past A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute. When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.” The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying: "Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that: 1. The apartment had not been used before. 2. It had adequate heating. 3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it. Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!" Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter. A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following: "Dear Sir, 1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before. 2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on. 3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it. You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!"
My Son Is a Veterinarian
My Son Is a Veterinarian One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Shared Secrets
Shared Secrets A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $100 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $125."
Are You Available For the Night?
Are You Available For the Night? I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want." She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Time For Him to Know the Truth
Time For Him to Know the Truth A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
The Special Place
The Special Place A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then, he noticed another couple over behind a tree. There was yet another couple doing the nasty behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel. Do you want to get in on the action, honey?" asked the madam. "Nah. I’m good thanks,” he replied, “but I was just wondering what the heck is going on out here on the lawn.” "Oh, we're having a yard sale today," said the madam.
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
 Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
3 Boys and a Ferrari
3 Boys and a Ferrari Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road. He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them." The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also." The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister." The other two asked what she did. "She's a prostitute." "What's a prostitute?" the other two ask. "I don't know, but that's my sister's car."
Two Old Men Visit a Cat-House
Two Old Men Visit a Cat-House Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
Two Hookers & a Police Officer
Two Hookers & a Police Officer Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different; the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Your Mother Does What!?
Your Mother Does What!? The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
That's a Lot of Knots
That's a Lot of Knots An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
A Wife at the Strip Club
A Wife at the Strip Club After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink that?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave."
The Brother, the Sister, and the Hot Dogs
The Brother, the Sister, and the Hot Dogs A country boy who lived his whole life in the village gets permission on his 15th birthday to go visit his older sister in New York. What the family doesn't know is that the daughter is a "working girl" and she was really scared that her brother, coming to stay with her, will figure it out. So when he comes over and asks her what she does, she said: "Oh, this is New York, I sell hot dogs." "Oh WOW!" Her brother said excitedly. "I LOVE hot dogs and I heard New York has the best, can I come with you tomorrow to work and get a free one? Please??" The sister, appalled, said she would be ever so busy, and she was sorry but no. Her brother, a little sullen at the news, hatched a plan. When the sister left the following afternoon, he walked behind her, following her until she came to a big house and disappeared inside. It seemed a bit of a weird place for her work but he followed her in, and there was greeted by a beautiful woman, wearing very little. "Hi there handsome," she purred at him. "Come to satisfy your "appetite"? "I sure did!" Said the boy enthusiastically. "Wonderful," smiled the woman, "how do you like it? Standing up or lying down?" "Well," said the boy, "I'd rather have it in a bun."