I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
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