I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I beg your garden?
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
All clover the world.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Herb your enthusiasm.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Don’t moss around.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
All things must grass.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
That’s a bit mulch.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I’m rooting for you!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Ants in your plants.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Your good seed for the day.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Leaf me alone.
I beg your garden?
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Long thyme no see.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I’ll never leaf you.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.