Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
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