I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
They say everything gets better with age.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Practice safe text: use commas.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
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