Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
People are always after me lucky charms.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Snow thank you.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
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