What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
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