What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Sleigh, what?!
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
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