Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
You met all of my koala-fications
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
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