What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
"You had me at merlot."
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
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