Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
You’ve been working too yard.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Your good seed for the day.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
I'm acorn-y person.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
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