What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Love at frost sight!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
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