Tropic like it's hot.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
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