King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
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