Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Don’t moss around.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
All things must grass.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.