What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!