Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Herb your enthusiasm.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?