Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!

What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!

I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.

“Look out for Santa Paws!”

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Summer is just floating by.

What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.

The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.

You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.

What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.

I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.

Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.

What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.

Does February like March?
No, but April May.

What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.

Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.

Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.

Went camping last night. It was in-tents.

I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.

Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.

What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.

Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.

What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.

How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.

What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.

What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.

The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.

Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.

What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.

The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.