What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
The ocean made me salty.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
He’s my pinch charming.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
I have no shelf control.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I think I found my perfect match
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Beer-lieve it or not!
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
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