What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
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