Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody

Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”

What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.

Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.

Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.

Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.

Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!

Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.

My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"

I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.

The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!

Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.

A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.

Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.

What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.

What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.

What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.

Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!

How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.

The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.

What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.

My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."

It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.

What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.

What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.

What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.

What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.

What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.

What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!