Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
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