When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Best in snow.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
"You can't sip with us."
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
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