"Time to wine down."
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
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